the family: a new perspective

Divorce. It’s something we are all afraid of when entering marriage. No one wants to imagine that they could fall out of love with the person they had chosen to be with for forever. Or that they could or would ever let anything get in the way of their love and devotion to one another.

Divorce is scary and it does happen, but it is much less likely to happen if we know the reality of marriage, its difficulties and the honest to goodness statistics.

Everyone throws around the statistic that half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. That is simply untrue. The reality is that it takes 2 years to reach normalcy within marriage. You see, normalcy can only occur once you have experienced something at least twice, and can feel confident that you know what will occur in said set of circumstances. In two years, not only have you been through many different activities and scenarios, but you have been through two Christmases, Easters, Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc. You have had adequate time to figure out what your traditions will be as a couple, and will be able to begin to see a pattern of behavior develop.

Give your marriage time. Too often, people believe that if you can get your relationship to the point of readiness for marriage, then you will be home free; your relationship will be sure to succeed and will be perfect. That is not true. Marriage is not the end all, be all. It is a marvelous and amazing goal to set and accomplish, and with the proper effort, you can achieve great happiness and fulfillment, but it is not a necessary and sufficient indicator. It is so important to realize, and also remember, that sometimes the best things are really hard; but they are worth it. Don’t give up on your marriage just because it gets hard.

Couples who report having great marital issues towards the beginning of their marriage, when approached again 2 years later report greater happiness and seem to have, most times, overcome the challenges that seemed so impossible to overcome at the time.

Couples who do divorce within the first two years of marriage, most times, report regret in not holding out and trying harder to make it work and find solutions to their issues.

This is not to say that divorce is always wrong. Sometimes it just will not work out. Sometimes two people who are very unhappy in a relationship with each other, can find great happiness with someone else. So how do we know when to call it quits?

I am sad to say that there really is not a checklist of things when, if all marked, can mean that divorce is the right call. I think the only way you can know whether it is right is if you have tried all you can to make it work, and then have consulted your Heavenly Father and are led to a conclusion by the influence of the Holy Ghost and revelation. I also don’t know if you really will ever, or can ever, know for sure that it was the right call. But that’s pretty much true of all decisions we make in this life.

I know that it is hard. Either way, there will be hardships and trials. Marriage doesn’t guarantee happiness, and divorce can not solve all of your problems. There isn’t one set way to achieve happiness, nor a set guide to achieve it.

Give it time. Don’t give up. Be kind to yourself. Realize that you can make any situation a good one with your attitude and decide to learn from all things.

One of the most vitally important tasks we will have in this life, is that of being a parent; sadly it is too often not approached with the attention and gravity that it requires. The way that bring up your children will have an astronomical impact on, not only their entire lives, but the lives of every generation which follows under them.

I know that I want my children to have a life free from worry about things that they cannot control (money, housing, etc.) so that they can focus on becoming the type of person who can deal with those sorts of things in adulthood. I also want to lead by example, to be the type of parent that they will look up to, and that they might replicate my parenting when they have children of their own, in such a way that they are better off because of it.

I really don’t ever want my children to ever have to worry about the family’s finances. And I especially never want them to worry about mine and my husbands relationship. If there are every conflicts or hardships within our relationship, I never want them to know about it.

Similarly, I want to draw very healthy and appropriate boundaries between my children and me and my husband. I want them to feel comfortable coming to me about anything, but I do really want to be sure that mine and my husbands relationship is always a constant source of strength in our family. I want my kids to be able to look at us, and see what a healthy communicative relationship looks like.

Lastly, I want to build them up. I want them to feel adequate to accomplishing any challenge or task they may face. I want them to be confident in their abilities and feel capable of accomplishing any task they may face. And I want them to not only feel mentally and physically apt to any thing they face, but I also want them to be emotionally secure.

Knowing where you want to go is so important before attempting to get where you’re going. Having goals, and knowing their motivators is the first important step to being a good parent.

Your main, overarching goal, should be to protect and prepare your child to survive and thrive in the world that they will grow up in.

In order to complete this goal, you may start at trying to teach your child courage, self-esteem, responsibility, cooperation, and respect.

Teach them to face things head on, with an attitude and belief that they will prevail. Teach them to stand behind their work and be proud, and teach them the hard work necessary to make things worth being proud of. Teach them to work with others, and to do so in harmony. Teach them to believe in themselves, while also respecting that same ability in everyone else around them.

Really quick, some keys to understanding the needs of your children:

1. The need for contact and belonging: don’t make your child reach out and beg for the physical contact and attention they deserve and crave. They might display this need being unmet by seeking attention in an overted way. To fulfill this need, offer physical contact freely and teach them to contribute.
2. The need to feel that they have power to influence their world: They may display this need being unmet by trying to control others, and by acting out in a rebellious manner. You can fulfill this need by teaching them responsibility; give them age appropriate choices, make them aware of the consequences of their actions, and carry those consequences out when necessary. These things combined, teach a child responsibility.
3. The need to withdraw: they may display the failure of this need being met by  practicing undue avoidance. To fulfill this need, teach them to take breaks when them need to, and then to come back and approach the given task again.
4. The need for challenge: They might display this need being unmet by taking undue risks. Fulfill this need by teaching and helping them to build their skills, or even introduce new skills to accomplish.

A very important aspect of being a parent is putting your children’s needs before your own. Fulfilling these needs will not always be easy, and may even sometimes require the temporary setting aside of your own needs.

Parenting is not a simple task, but is definitely the most rewarding, and the most important. Treat it with the respect and reverence it deserves.

I have always had a rocky relationship with my dad. Growing up, benounced to my dad, I had a secret list of expectations for him to fulfill, and he never did. He didn’t have a job until I was 12, and even then, he was never able to secure that employment for more than a year. This left our five person household to struggle severely with finances. He never came to my basketball games, and would make fun of any and every play or musical I was in. He critiqued my art and pointed out any flaw in every piano piece I played even though I never asked. You could say that our relationship was less than productive.

Until recently, I never would have admitted that his lack of involvement and attentiveness had any effect on me, but it did. I am very self assured and can get anything done that I need to, but there are times where I can see that his lack of involvement affected me poorly.

The data shows that children that who grow up with an involved father are much more likely to feel secure in their surroundings; feel like they belong where they are, whether that be school, work, social situations, etc. They are more likely to have stronger social connections as well because they feel like they have importance and belong where they are. And lastly, they are much more emotionally secure. They have experienced support, have given love, and received it in return.

Children who experience love and care from an involved father are statistically much less likely to become involved in criminal behavior or become addicted to drugs. On a similar note, they also tend to do much better in school and place more worth and attention on learning.

Because of my fathers lack of positive involvement, I have always struggled with feeling secure in my relationships; I always wonder whether my friends really like me and struggle with feelings of very little self worth.

Although it obviously hasn’t all been rainbows and unicorns, the lack of affirmation I was given from my dad pushed me to work extremely hard to do things that would get his attention. I worked super hard in school; this academic effort paid off and granted me the scholarships necessary for me to further my education in college. I also experienced mass financial insecurity, and saw and experienced the impact that it had. This made me really want to continue my education so that I could be sure that I could secure myself a stable position that will guarantee that I will never need to worry about my family’s finances ever again.

I also learned a lot of awesome skills through my many attempts to make him proud. I can fix any problem with any car I will ever have, saving me a lot of money. I have become a skilled pianist, guitarist, ukulele player, and singer. I can repair plumbing in my home. I can run new lines of electrical wire to my home. I have many skills that have become very valuable in my life because of my fathers lack of involvement.

In the future, in my family, I will be sure that my husband has the time to support my children and be there for them. I will bolster him up when I am with my kids and let them know how amazing I know him to be. I will conference with my husband weekly to make sure that we are doing all we can to make a positive influence in their lives.

I will support my husband in a way that he has the time to be there for our kids. I will encourage him and let him know that I know he is up to the task, however intimidating it may be.

I can’t lie, I would have really loved to have my dad tell me he was proud of my accomplishments. I would have loved him cheering for me at at least one of my basketball games. I would have loved his guidance and words of wisdom. But I would not be who I am today if he hadn’t been the father he was for me.

One of the most basic foundations of any healthy relationship is good communication. Without it, a relationship, whether romantic or not, is sure to end. Too many people are afraid to be straightforward and say what them mean; they too often communicate with sarcasm, passive aggression, the silent treatment, eggzajerations, and more. All of these communicative forms (or rather anti-communicative forms) are highly unhealthy, and very ambiguous. I would even dare to say that no one can accurately determine what the other is feeling when any of these communication forms are being used.

“The Five Secrets of Effective Communication” by David D. Burns is one of the most useful guides that can help you navigate communication well. These steps mostly have to do with conversations that are centered around a disagreement or are of a confrontational matter. These secrets, if applied in the correct order, will facilitate effective communication.

The first 3 enclude acting out of empathy.

The first secret is “The Disarming Technique (DT).” This includes finding “some truth in what the other person is saying” and recognizing that aloud to whomever you are having a conversation with. This step really helps to allow you to understand where the other person is coming from.

The second secret is called quite simply “Empathy.” In this step, similarly to the last, you try to put yourself in the others shoes to better understand their side. This secret has two sub-sections. The first is “Thought Empathy (TE).” This includes actively listening to the other person’s side and relaying it back to them. The second subsection is “Feeling Empathy (FE).” This part includes acknowledging how the other person is probably feeling, in a validating way. These two sub-sections combined could be described as reflective listening.

The third secret is called “Inquiry (IN).” This step includes asking questions that help them to express their feelings and thoughts, so that they feel better able to express their side.

The next secret is “‘I Feel’ Statements (IF)” and this step is under the topic of assertiveness. In this step, you express what you are feeling and try to steer away from statements that are accusatory and are about the others actions. This allows you to attempt to make the other person to perhaps better understand your side, as you have attempted to understand theirs.

The fifth and final secret is “Stroking (ST).” This step is under the topic of respect. This step is highly important to the process. You end the confrontation by giving the other person a genuine compliment. This process, although very civil, can get heated quite quickly and this last step can help to make sure that you end remembering that you both care for and respect one another. This step helps make sure that neither of you end up seeing the other as their enemy, but rather as someone who loves and respects them, and wants the best for them.

I highly recommend following this process to better your communication skills.

Other than this set of steps, you should always make sure that you discuss whatever it is that you are discussing to a consensus. You should make sure that you both leave on the same page and that there are no residual feelings of anger. You should also make sure that you both meet in a place that is private; a place where you can be sure that you will have adequate privacy to be sure that you will not be interrupted and will feel safe expressing yourself.

I also think, confrontation aside, that it is important to have a time set aside, the same time every week, to meet with your spouse and discuss how life is going; concerns, victories, hardships, the works. This is really important, and these meetings should never be missed.

Communication is the most important this in a healthy relationship and I firmly believe that if you work at it enough, you can have a really great relationship built upon great communication.

Growing up, my parents were never on the same page. Honestly, I don’t think they were ever in the same book even. One parent would say no, and the next would say yes, full well knowing the other’s answer. One parent would show up to every game, the other never even asked how it went. One would take me to the movies, one would take the remote. One would push me to do more in school, while the other would never even acknowledge my accomplishments. It was this way in all aspects of my life when it came to them.

I became what could easily be referred to as my moms therapist the summer after my older sister left for college. It was the beginning of my 6th grade year, making me 11. I was excited; my older sister and mom were best friends. They did everything together and mom always talked to her, meanwhile I was never invited. I didn’t realize back then that you can’t be your moms best friend and child at the same time; that one would win over the other. My sister, being almost 8 years older that I was, sat me down before leaving. She told me that I was going to have to take her place. She told me I would need to become moms new best friend, make sure my younger sister got to school with a lunch, make sure the milk was good, and the bread didn’t go moldy, etc. What she should have said is that it was my turn to become mom.

My dad didn’t begin working at all until I was 12. That year before he got his first job, my mom would never let a conversation go by without bringing it up. She’d take me on midnight drives on school nights to sit in the safeway parking lot and cry for hours about how much she hated him and wanted to leave him, but couldn’t because of me and my younger sister. This is when I began to hate my dad. I don’t like using that word, because it’s really strong, and isn’t easy to take back, but I did. I hated my dad. It’s like everything my mom said was doctrine. I became really good at mimicking the screaming matches my sister used to have with him. I never had another side to the story. I never thought I needed one.

She would tell me about her problems with my younger sister of 3 years. Her disrespectfulness, her disobedience, her learning problems. I took them all on, and made it my mission to fix them.

Most of the time I was able to play mom, and everything ran as smoothly as could be expected. Then out of the blue dad would decide to have an interest, and yell at me for controlling my sister when it wasn’t my place, butting in where I didn’t belong, and on and on until he grew tired and went to bed.

As I got older, and talked to my friends about their relationships with their parents, it became pretty apparent that I didn’t have any parents. I was their parent. I have never once been told to do my homework, or clean the dishes, or been woken up for school, or reminded of anything. I would remind mom to call the electric company and pay off the bill enough to keep the power on. I would arrange rides to get my sister to school. I packed lunches, made dinner, fixed the cars. I never had a rebellious teenager phase because I went straight to adulthood.

It doesn’t work when you ask your dad if he’s coming to grandmas with the family for the weekend, and he says, why don’t you ask your mother? It doesn’t work when you ask your mom if we have enough money for your sister to go on her school field trip, just to have her say ask your dad.

There needs to be a united front. There need to be boundaries. I believe that even if the parents aren’t getting along, that the kids should never know. They should never be unable to sleep because of the newest screaming match at 2 am, and wake up to a crying sister at the door. They should never know that the hot water will be gone tomorrow if the bill isn’t paid, and have to babysit for the family down the street to pay it off before algebra the next morning.

Kids need to be allowed to be kids. Parents need to support each other, and build the other up, even if they may not particularly like them in the moment, and even when the other isn’t physically there.

Every family has stressors. They can either bring you all closer together, or they can tear you apart, but that is completely up to you.

Brace yourself, this is a taboo topic, and I am not going to skirt around it.

Sexual intimacy has both the ability to strengthen your relationship, and bring two people much closer to one another, or it can be a burden to your relationship and place a barrier between two, in a relationship. Which situation you do or will find yourself in, is completely up to you.

One of the greatest struggles within sexual intimacy is the difference in experience between men and women. Men climax quite quickly and generally once during a sexual encounter. It takes women on average much longer to reach her climax, but she can climax multiple times. Men’s sexual drive peaks at somewhere around 18 and 19 years old, where as a woman’s sexual drive peaks at somewhere around 30 to 35 years old. Men generally see sex as a tool to feel more safe and secure in a relationship, while women generally see sex as something that should happen after they feel safe and secure in their relationship. Men and women release different hormones when interacting in sexual intercourse. And lastly, men have more of an external experience and response, while a women’s is internal.

All of these differences can make it seem like quite a mismatch, and can make it seem like sexual intimacy is not something that is really meant to happen, or at least not easily or to benefit the relationship beyond momentary satisfaction. I have to admit that when I first heard these statistics, that that is what I thought. But that is not true, or at least it doesn’t have to be. The differences allow for many opportunities for growth in a relationship: For these differences to not cause a rift, there must needs be a very high level of honest and open communication between a couple. Communication is key to making sexual intimacy a good experience for both people involved, but beyond that, it is a great habit to be practicing in a relationship always. These differences also help us to think more about the other person and show thoughtfulness and concern/care for them. In order for sexual intimacy to be all it can be, it is necessary that both people are attentive to the other, and that they work together to make it the relationship strengthening tool that it is meant to be.

Sexual intimacy should never be a cause of contention or awkwardness within marriage, and there is no need for it to be, so long as you are open and honest with your partner, and only your partner. If or when problems do arise, talk to your spouse. They love you and want to help you in any and every way that they can. Go to them. Talk to them. Voice your concerns so that you two can figure out a solution together. You should never bring your friends or family into the matter at all. Sexual intimacy is something sacred that should only be shared between a wife and her husband. Involving others will never help solve to problem; if anything, it will only make it worse.

Lastly, remember that your spouse loves you no matter what. They will not judge or be offended. Just be honest. Know that nervousness is normal. Have realistic expectations going in, and realize that it might not be perfect at first, but that that is okay and that you will be able to make sexual intimacy the strengthening tool it is meant to be within marriage. Don’t worry too much; what you allow in your head will affect your experience. There might be a learning curve.

Healthy sexual intimacy does not guarantee a good marriage, but the absence of healthy sexual relations within marriage almost always guarantees that you aren’t as happy as you should or could be.

Be patient and kind, and if you ever doubt or have questions, as with all things, remember that you can always go to Heavenly Father for help.

Nowadays, people don’t date anymore. They perpetually “hang out” until they become a couple. Why have we become so accustomed to not asking our crush out? Why do we no longer have picnics in the park, or simply go to dinner and a movie? Are we really that scared of rejection? Perhaps it is too much work to plan the date. Maybe we are too afraid of better options down the road. Maybe that isn’t the issue at all, but rather, we feel we know them well enough, that why waste money and time on the “ritual” of dating? Perhaps it takes too much, time and distracts from things we deem as more important; education, work, friends, etc. Or maybe it is nothing like that at all; maybe it’s that there just aren’t a lot of opportunities anymore. Even if one did muster up the courage to ask their crush out on a “date,” it may not be as simple as it seems. “Dating” has taken on such a new meaning in the last 20 years. If you date multiple people casually, just to go on dates, you are labeled a player or seen as being afraid to commit. It is true that we need to learn to be less afraid of rejection and of a little (or even a lot) of heartbreak, but at the same time, it is also true that the world around us has made doing so very difficult.

If you can get past the fear and actually date someone, and get to the point of liking someone enough to have that desire to make it something more and commit to being exclusive with that person, a lot of people lack to courage to say you will be faithful to them and only them. Perhaps we’re scared of commitment. Or afraid of getting our hearts broken. Maybe we are afraid that we are not right for them, or in the right mindset or state of being to be in a serious and committed relationship. Being “Boyfriend and Girlfriend” takes a lot of time and money. It can also be emotionally taxing to feel like you need to always make them a priority and be there for them whenever they might need you. It can be really hard to not just fall into a relationship on accident. It seems that that is the trend lately. People find themselves in serious relationships frequently without really trying.

Then there is the last step: engagement. This has also changed so much in the last few generations. It used to always be that the guy would buy a ring, surprise his hopeful fiance with a romantic gesture in which he gets down on one knee and profess his love with her, and desire to never be apart from her. Nowadays, it seems to be that getting engaged is more of a social media event, just for the pictures. The couple now, often will talk about their engagement, will pick out the ring together, and then after that, it is just a waiting game to see when he will give it her. In fact, it is not uncommon now for a couple to start planning their wedding and setting the date before he has even proposed, and before she has a ring on her finger.

Obviously the world is not static. Things change. Nothing can ever stay the same. And so customs and traditions are bound to change with it. I honestly, don’t know how I feel about this change. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always dreamt of being asked out and going on all the romantic dates you see in movies, dreamt of him asking me to be his girlfriend, all flustered and nervous, and then finally, him surprising me as I turn around to find him down on one knee to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. It’s the fairytale ending that any girl dreams of having. On the other end, I do see the benefits of just falling into a relationship after many “hang outs.” There’s no rejection to fear because there is no chance of being rejected. There is also no fear due to breaking away from today’s new accepted customs. Perhaps there’s a happy medium to be reached where we get up some courage to put ourselves out there, and to also move on to the better traditions of today.

Dr. Vann Ep created a model for building a healthy relationship, which he calls the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM).  Know is the first and I would argue the most important step of the RAM model. This step includes engaging in deep conversations and one-on-one time together in order to better know them; their ambitions, goals, interests, pasts, personal facts, quirks, etc. Its placement at the beginning of the RAM model is very intentional and purposeful. All steps which follow know rely on the fulfillment and rich engagement with this step. Without the prior fulfillment of know, none of the other steps can be healthily achieved. For example: you cannot trust someone without knowing them; how can trust that someone will be kind, that they will be the same person in the future that they present themselves as now, that they are the kind of person you could imagine seeing yourself ending up with forever, if you don’t first know them?

I tend to trust too early in relationships before properly knowing the person. This, in the past, has led to quite a lot of pain and hurt. I need to better implement the principle of knowing someone more before I invest any trust in them and by doing so, I will not only better safeguard myself, but set up any relationship for better success. I might do this by initiating more

engaging activities to participate in, in which intimate conversations can more easily take place.

Trust is the second step of the RAM model. This step includes placing your confidence in a relationship. After first reaching a proper level of knowledge with said individual, you should feel confident enough to place your trust in them and perhaps disclose more intimate details about yourself. It should be noted that you should never trust someone without first knowing them; without knowing someone first, you put yourself at risk of real pain and hurt. You should never trust someone more than you know them; the previous step should always be higher than the next.

As I said previously, I have been hurt in the past by misplaced trust. Because of this, it has become very difficult for my trust people, but I know the only way to achieve a healthy relationship is to place trust in my relationships; I just need to be sure that that trust is warranted. You can give your trust more confidently with proper implementation of the RAM model.

Rely is the third step of the RAM model. This step follows trust and comes as a result of proper trust. By trusting someone, you are able to confidently rely on them, because you know that they will fulfill your needs and you will fulfill theirs. Again, trust should be higher than reliance and knowledge above trust. These steps can increase, so long as the one previous has increased to warrant such increases.

Once I do place trust in any relationship I am in, I need to be sure that I am practicing that trust properly, by relying on that person. I need to act in trust and be willing to make plans around this person because I know that I can rely on them.

Commit is the fourth of the steps of the RAM model. Because of the knowledge, trust, and reliance you have placed in your relationship, you are now confidently prepared to commit to your relationship. You can commit because you are prepared to stick to this relationship exclusively based upon your confidence built upon the former 3 steps.

I make sure to only commit to a relationship once I have reached a proper elevation in each former step. I will be sure to commit though once the time is right, because I hope to have a healthy and happy relationship which will have the potential of reaching exaltation.

The last step of the RAM model is touch. This step is purposefully placed last and should exclusively come with the certain completion of the previous steps. Touch includes holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc. and should only be done once you know, trust, rely, and are committed to a person. Touch is a very intimate principle and should be approached with great care. Touch without proper completion of former steps can lead to a sense of false closeness and intimacy, and can lead to great pain and hurt.

I am very careful to only engage in touch after being completely sure that I have fulfilled the former steps. By doing this, I can be sure that my partner and I, and our relationship is safeguarded.

I believe very strongly that by following this model, your relationships will be set up for much more success and will develop in a much healthier way.

Men and women sometimes seem to be too radically opposite to even exist in the same hemisphere, but those contrasting attributes are what make the relationship between men and women such a special one. We often hear how opposites attract and how you will marry someone who is very opposite to you, but that is only true in small enough doses. You cannot be too different from each other, that you cannot understand the other person or relate to them, but you do need to be strong in the areas that they are weak, and be willing to learn from them in the places where they are strong and you are weak.

Women on average tend to be more social, in their work, in group settings, and in competitive situations. They tend to remember things relationally; how to get places based upon landmarks along the way, the names of people or how you know them based upon who they are related to, and will remember the way things are arranged in a room based upon what things surround them. Women tend to, on average, be much more empathetic. Women have five times the connective tissue between the communication and emotional centers of the brain than men. This usually makes us women more emotionally motivated. In team working situations women tend to be more cooperative and problem solve socially. They tend to try to work together and include others to find the solutions to the problem at hand. Women also have a greater capacity to pay attention to many things at once; this becomes very helpful in being aware of where all of the children are while making dinner and talking to your stressed out sister on the phone. Women are much better multi taskers and can be working on more than one thing at once. And lastly, despite its common over pronunciation, women and naturally very nurturing. They tend to be more caring and compassionate, and naturally feel a great desire to care for children.

Men, to quite the opposite, are on average much more aggressive. In situations concerning other people and in social, competitive situations, they tend to have a greater desire to come in first and be the best. Similarly, they tend to be highly competitive, in work, social, and many other situations. They are driven by a desire to win and beat everyone else that they are up against. This can help in applying for and obtaining new career opportunities, and winning the raise at work. Men also tend to be much more spatially aware; when recalling how to get some place, they will do so based upon the distance. When remembering the location of objects, they will remember based upon the distance it takes to get there. Men have a greater capacity to hyper-focus on one thing very well. They can block out all distractions and give their full attention the the problem at hand until it is resolved.

All of these tendencies and gender typical attributes aid women and men in completing their roles as husband and wife, and father and mother. Mothers necessarily must be highly nurturing, attentive to multiple problems at once, have empathy and an emotional drive, and be socially cooperative. Fathers must necessarily be competitive to get a job that will properly provide for their family, and their hyper attentiveness allows them to aid their wives when a particularly difficult challenge arises.

When these men and women work together, despite lacking in some necessary areas, they will be able to lift more where their partner is weak, and ask for help where they need it. And the longer they are together, as long as they are open to it, they will be able to learn and grow in the areas where they are weak. Men and women are necessarily different that they might fit together and make up for what the other lacks. We are here to lift up the other and make them stronger. It may be difficult, but is also very rewarding and worth the work.

Give help and be willing to receive and ask for it.

No one wants to be financially poor; struggling to make ends meet, scrambling to find ways to keep the lights on, existing in a constant state of worry. The less common desire, however, is to not want to be filthy rich. It may be difficult to see the common disadvantages that the two financial situations share.

Financially stressful situations, in which income is not certain, often require head(s) of the household to take whatever employment they can find in an attempt to make ends meet. In households where there are children, those descendants are often at a loss due to the parents/guardians not being in the home very often and not being as involved as they could be if finances were not so tight. Daughters who have involved fathers in the home are statistically much more likely to become involved in healthy romantic relationships in the future. Children with involved parents who are appropriately present in the home are much more likely to feel more stable and resultantly, do better in school and are less likely to become involved in dangerous activities.

When you take the time to properly contemplate the state of families experiencing great financial income, you may be able to see the correlations that these two incomes have. Often times, especially affluent families also have the characteristic of a head(s) of the household needing to work extreme hours in order to compensate for the great income. This economic family type, similarly to that of the destitute family, will result in children who lack the proper involvement with their parents. These families often times will hire nannies to care for their children. These children often times form tighter bonds to their nannies than to their parents, and when those nannies are no longer necessary to the raising of the children and are unemployed by the family, those children, however old, are left feeling abandoned.

Children raised in destitute households often repeat the cycle of their parents, and end up being financially poor themselves. The most reliable way we know of for children raised in low-income families to break the cycle is to follow the necessary steps:

1. Finish high school: children who finish high school are much more likely to go on to college to pursue a degree that will provide them with a more reliable and increased income. Even if that child does not pursue further education upon receiving a high school diploma, there are still many more employment opportunities for high school graduates than there are for children who do not graduate high school.
2. Wait to have kids until marriage: people who have children when within a stable marriage, are much more likely to be able to reliably provide for that child and not have that child become just a financial burden. When one waits to have children until marriage, they are also much more likely to have completed the necessary former steps that will better support the raising and upbringing of a child. An alarming amount of girls raised in poor families end up getting pregnant in high school, which sufficiently places them back into the environment they were raised in.
3. Get a full time job: working at a full time job encourages financial stability and guarantees a reliable income upon which one can depend. This job could also help financially to get one out of their current environmental living situation.

People who follow these three steps are much more likely to be able to become financially self-reliant, and break the cycle of poverty.

On the reverse end of things, children raised in affluent homes learn to expect things to done for them, and so, are not prepared to end to world on their own, and obtain work that sufficiently provides for the lifestyle they have grown so accustomed to.

There seems to be somewhere in the middle, where families are financially comfortable, where the parents are appropriately involved and present, as well as being one that grants the children proper independance and gives them a desire to obtain that same sense of security for themselves in the future.

Perhaps there isn’t great reason for us to wish that we had more money. Sometimes it just results in more problems. Perhaps there isn’t a set amount of zeros on a check that would result in a certain zen to be achieved. If you are scared you might be stuck in a cycle of poverty, break it; do all you can, and ask for help if necessary. And if you are envying the rich, maybe think again and take a look at their lives that seem so perfect; perceptions can often be deceiving.

As always be kind, be aware, and do good. Until next time.